my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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