Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
