it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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