I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
