Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
