please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
