Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
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