She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
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Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
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I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.