You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
23 People Reveal The Worst Culture Shock They’ve Ever Experienced While Traveling
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
27 People Confess Their Proudest Fap
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?