Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
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let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
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I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire