Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.