Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
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So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
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First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one