Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
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Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
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I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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