I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
