Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
