Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Randomize
