you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Randomize
