I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
