the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
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