So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
