Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Never joke about your clitoris.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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