I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
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