oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
