god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
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