Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
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