My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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