Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
