worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
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Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Holy sore nipples Batman
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
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