You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
