Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
