# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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