you turned your livingroom into a bong?
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Randomize
