When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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