Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
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