shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
