Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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