i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Boobs are out for the taking
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
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