why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
