That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
