I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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