A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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