you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
