I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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