remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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