you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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