her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
