I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
