i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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