vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Randomize
