I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
