She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Randomize
