i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Randomize
