I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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