My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
