I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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