he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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