sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize