I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
