my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
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