i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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