the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
i think im in europe. pls send help
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
My bed smells like the plague
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
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