My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Randomize
