Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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