I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
