woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Randomize
